I was recently challenged to live Levitically for one month. Basically, that meant to take the law of the Old Testament, and make it relevant for today. This also meant looking at what the law meant then, and translate it to now. Here are some thoughts on my journey...
Living Levitically seemed like a challenge as well as a transformational exercise. I found this to be true on both accounts. Having experienced transformation through the use of various spiritual disciplines, I had an idea of what might transpire. Looking back, I expected some sort of change in me, some healing of sorts. After all, you do the work, God gives the blessing, right? To no longer hear the siren call beckon me into behavior that is less than valiant: those annoying, potential dangerous actions that I have used as defense mechanisms to keep myself safe over the years.
I further expected a change in how I viewed God. I thought if I did this, I would be blessed. Looking back, it seems a bit formula-matic. “Do something cool, God blesses.” Nice mantra, but I do not know how accurate it really is. Otherwise, it would be a sure fire way of controlling God. What I found was that even in my inability to “do something cool,” God still blessed. I feel like Jacob.
Jacob had an amazing blessing come to him through Abraham and Isaac. And yet, he continually made choices (even deceptive ones) that sought to get him a “different” blessing, one that was in the example of Esau, not his. In doing this, he never appears to experience the blessing Yahweh has for him, until he wrestles all night long, with God.
“The law is not a job description but is a doctor’s prescription.” D.P. Fuller, The Unity of the Bible, Grand Rapids, Zondervan, 1992). The law helps us understand what it looks like to live in the world as the people of Yahweh. When we do certain actions, we can be reminded of their representation or we can just do the act void of meaning. It is not only the intention of choosing how I experience the action, but also being mindful of what it means to the person looking on, in Israel’s case: the nations. On one side I use the object lesson as somewhat of a memory trigger, to help me remember God and his faithfulness. For many years, I thought doing the “discipline,” as ritual, accomplished nothing. As I have studied in other disciplines this year, I have realized we are wired in a way where those actions are formative, even when we do not fully understand them. A discipline, whether we fully understand it or not, forms us. The law, the way of being with the world as the people of God, forms us as well.
To be continued....
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
a line in the sand.
To say I need to learn to practice differentiation even more than I do, is an understatement. Differentiation is the ability to know where I end and another starts. It is the line in the sand: one side of the line is my "stuff" and on the other side is your "stuff." Now this "stuff" can be the things we want to hang onto, and other "stuff" may consist of things of which we may want to let go. I am referring to the second kind: the "stuff" I do not want to keep. I frankly have enough of that sort of "stuff" on my side of the line, I am not sure why I'd voluntarily move on the other side of the line and get involved in the "stuff" of others, but dang if I don't do it. The "differentiation project" is to know my own stuff, and not let the line in the sand blur too much or get taken out by high tide. Back to my opening statement...
I need to learn to more effectively how to draw a nice, healthy line in the sand. Sometimes I can do it pretty well, and other times, I realize the tide has washed my line away and I am in the midst of not knowing where to stand, feeling my feet sink deeper and deeper into what resembles the quick sand of relationships.
When does this happen?
~ When a family member comes home, tired and grumpy and I think, "what did I do?"
~When my friend tells me that anyone who believes _X_, is an idiot. Unbeknownst to them, I fall into that category, and so, I am by default, one of those "idiots."
~When my boss tells me in no uncertain terms how inadequate I am.
All of these scenarios are invitations. They invite me to believe I am at fault, an idiot and/or inadequate. Or, they invite me to wonder if there is any credence to the statements. Or, finally, perhaps they invite me to dig a deeper line in the sand and remember that there are grumpy, tired people in the world who are looking for the "inadequate" and "idiots" because identifying those folks help them deal with their own anxiety. And, sometimes I do that too.
Like I said, I need to practice differentiation.
I need to learn to more effectively how to draw a nice, healthy line in the sand. Sometimes I can do it pretty well, and other times, I realize the tide has washed my line away and I am in the midst of not knowing where to stand, feeling my feet sink deeper and deeper into what resembles the quick sand of relationships.
When does this happen?
~ When a family member comes home, tired and grumpy and I think, "what did I do?"
~When my friend tells me that anyone who believes _X_, is an idiot. Unbeknownst to them, I fall into that category, and so, I am by default, one of those "idiots."
~When my boss tells me in no uncertain terms how inadequate I am.
All of these scenarios are invitations. They invite me to believe I am at fault, an idiot and/or inadequate. Or, they invite me to wonder if there is any credence to the statements. Or, finally, perhaps they invite me to dig a deeper line in the sand and remember that there are grumpy, tired people in the world who are looking for the "inadequate" and "idiots" because identifying those folks help them deal with their own anxiety. And, sometimes I do that too.
Like I said, I need to practice differentiation.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
waiting by the well
We were getting ready for bed. It was already a bit later than our normal bedtime and both of us needed to get up very early the next morning. Going into the bathroom faucet, I couldn’t wait to run the water, brush my teeth and wash my face. The next step was bed, where I would allow my head to hit the pillow: I could barely wait. As I turned the tap, instead of the normal rush of cool, refreshing water, I encountered sputtering and spitting. No water. None. I grabbed my husband, and we went down stairs and stared at the water tank.
It might be helpful to know we live in the country, so our water comes directly from a deep well, via a pump. The benefits are, we have no monthly water bill, and we can use as much as we want, whenever we want. Water bans have no impact on our gardens. The challenge can be, if the water is not running, then there is no “city office” to call for a fix. We call the well man, who comes out, fixes the problem and hands us a nice, fat bill for his service.
Back to the story…we stood staring at the well tank. Then we looked at each other, back at the tank, and both stated something like, “dang.” After we realized that staring at each other, or the tank, while entertaining, was not helpful to the situation. Gary went out to the shed to gather supplies, and I headed to the gas station to buy out their supply on water, after all, we all had to shower the next day. When I returned, Gary was at work on the tank. We were both hoping it simply needed more air pressure, but knew it was something more challenging.
Stress has already been knocking on our door of our present lives. So, neither of us needed, or desired an addition of any more. I didn’t sleep well, and ended up getting up even earlier than needed. So, after having gone to bed after midnight, tossing and turning for a few hours, about 3:45 am my feet landed on the floor, and I padded out to the front room. When I came to the living room, the words that came to mind where, “The house feels dead, without life.”
It felt as if the fact we didn’t have water, somehow equated to not having life within the walls of the house. We can not cook, care for ourselves, get rid of our waste, clean the house, and many more things. Water is vital to our life. Life can not continue without water. It is amazing how often, when you do not have water, you still walk to the faucet, turn the knob and expect something to come out. Water gives us life in ways that we do not even realize.
I recently studied a story in the Gospel of John, in the (Christian) scriptures. The story was of a man asked a woman for water. He continued saying while she understood water coming from a well, he had the ability to offer “living water.” He wasn’t only saying that living water was good, but that he was it! He was (and is) the living water, of which she could drink and never thirst against. It isn’t physical water to which he referred, he spoke of a water that quenched the thirst of her soul. If you are unfamiliar with the story, this man was Christ, the Son of God, who had come to earth in human form to restore his creation to himself.
Thinking about this story, and experiencing the lack of physical water invited me to look at Christ’s words differently. 1) I wonder if at times I forget what it means to have the living water flow through my life: just as I can take for granted the water coming out of the faucet. 2) I realize it is always there, and that I have access to it. 3) I think about what it might be like to not have it in my life. 4) I ponder the number of folks who do not realize that there is living water to which they too, can have access, so that their soul would no longer thirst. My house may feel dead without the water flowing, however I know that for me, this is a temporary problem. However, to have a dry, thirsty soul, that lacks living water is tragic, especially when the flow is available.
We called the well man, who came out, and fixed our problem. We now have fresh, cold, water running through the veins of the house, spilling out at whatever tap we chose to use. And, the big, fat bill wasn’t as big and fat, as we had feared. So, all is “well.” However, in the meanwhile, this process has gotten me to remember to be intentional about watching the living water move within me, and enjoying the mystery of how it works.
It might be helpful to know we live in the country, so our water comes directly from a deep well, via a pump. The benefits are, we have no monthly water bill, and we can use as much as we want, whenever we want. Water bans have no impact on our gardens. The challenge can be, if the water is not running, then there is no “city office” to call for a fix. We call the well man, who comes out, fixes the problem and hands us a nice, fat bill for his service.
Back to the story…we stood staring at the well tank. Then we looked at each other, back at the tank, and both stated something like, “dang.” After we realized that staring at each other, or the tank, while entertaining, was not helpful to the situation. Gary went out to the shed to gather supplies, and I headed to the gas station to buy out their supply on water, after all, we all had to shower the next day. When I returned, Gary was at work on the tank. We were both hoping it simply needed more air pressure, but knew it was something more challenging.
Stress has already been knocking on our door of our present lives. So, neither of us needed, or desired an addition of any more. I didn’t sleep well, and ended up getting up even earlier than needed. So, after having gone to bed after midnight, tossing and turning for a few hours, about 3:45 am my feet landed on the floor, and I padded out to the front room. When I came to the living room, the words that came to mind where, “The house feels dead, without life.”
It felt as if the fact we didn’t have water, somehow equated to not having life within the walls of the house. We can not cook, care for ourselves, get rid of our waste, clean the house, and many more things. Water is vital to our life. Life can not continue without water. It is amazing how often, when you do not have water, you still walk to the faucet, turn the knob and expect something to come out. Water gives us life in ways that we do not even realize.
I recently studied a story in the Gospel of John, in the (Christian) scriptures. The story was of a man asked a woman for water. He continued saying while she understood water coming from a well, he had the ability to offer “living water.” He wasn’t only saying that living water was good, but that he was it! He was (and is) the living water, of which she could drink and never thirst against. It isn’t physical water to which he referred, he spoke of a water that quenched the thirst of her soul. If you are unfamiliar with the story, this man was Christ, the Son of God, who had come to earth in human form to restore his creation to himself.
Thinking about this story, and experiencing the lack of physical water invited me to look at Christ’s words differently. 1) I wonder if at times I forget what it means to have the living water flow through my life: just as I can take for granted the water coming out of the faucet. 2) I realize it is always there, and that I have access to it. 3) I think about what it might be like to not have it in my life. 4) I ponder the number of folks who do not realize that there is living water to which they too, can have access, so that their soul would no longer thirst. My house may feel dead without the water flowing, however I know that for me, this is a temporary problem. However, to have a dry, thirsty soul, that lacks living water is tragic, especially when the flow is available.
We called the well man, who came out, and fixed our problem. We now have fresh, cold, water running through the veins of the house, spilling out at whatever tap we chose to use. And, the big, fat bill wasn’t as big and fat, as we had feared. So, all is “well.” However, in the meanwhile, this process has gotten me to remember to be intentional about watching the living water move within me, and enjoying the mystery of how it works.
Friday, September 11, 2009
a grey lesson
Last night I watched a re-run of Grey's Anatomy. I hadn't watched the season the first time through, so it was new for me. The episode told the story of a small girl who had shot her father 17 times. He survived. Both she and her mother had experienced abuse at the hands of this man. The small girl, wanting to protect her mom, shot the dad. A tragic story, to say the least.
At first Dr. Meredith Grey listened to the story, as well as the excuses the mother gave for her husband's actions. As the show progresses, it appears obvious the mother and daughter will go back to the husband/father, and things will continue as they had. At this realization, Meredith blows a cork. In her angry and reactivity, her words re-traumatize the woman. She is banned for further contact with the two.
Dr. Grey takes the opportunity to reflect on her reaction. She has been told to stay away from the woman and daughter, with the threat of losing her internship if she does not follow this order. Eventually she realizes that she must make it right with the woman and stand up for the daughter. She does so, putting her career on the line. As the husband comes out of surgery, she steps forward to speak to the woman.
"I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier. I know I was out of line, and I know I can't possibly imagine what you've been through. But I also know this can not be your daughter's story~that she shot her dad 17 times to protect her mom and you went back to him. You have to change her story while you still have a chance, for both of you. For her, for your little girl. You have to change her story."
Dr. Meredith Grey encouraged the mom to change the impending story of the little girl.
Brain science tells us that we are shaped by 1) our DNA, and 2) our relationships. If this is true, here we find an invitation to consider the power we hold in the stories of others as well as the power others have to form our stories. The story of our life, of our experiences is reflected in the manner in which we live our lives.
We can all testify to the power of words, especially words in intimate relationships. Most of us can recount an incident where someone said something, either positive or negative, to us and can also recount the impact that it made on our lives. The question that compels me at this point is, how do my actions and words influence the future stories of those who are around me? Do they offer love and life? Do they move the person's story toward grace? Or, do I offer words and actions what while they make me feel good, or vindicated, etc, offer pain or wounds to the other? This is more than "simply" watching my words or my actions. This is being intentional about how I impact the story of another. There is power in caring for "one another." We can change the stories of others, by our actions and by our words.
Dr. Meredith Grey asked the woman to consider changing the story of her daughter. This is obvious from her words. However, Meredith also changed her own story by reflecting on her initial words and addressing the woman a second time. She also changed the woman's story by compelling her to change the story of the daughter. Meredith's story was wrapped up in the woman's story, which was wrapped up in the story of her daughter. The South African's have a word for this: 'ubuntu.' It is the concept of our stories being wrapped up in the stories of others.
Whether we get our life lessons through a fictional TV character, the research of Interpersonal Neurobiologists, or a cultural aspect of South Africa, we can see a familiar thread of the important of caring for one another. Is it any wonder that we are told to "love one another?"
At first Dr. Meredith Grey listened to the story, as well as the excuses the mother gave for her husband's actions. As the show progresses, it appears obvious the mother and daughter will go back to the husband/father, and things will continue as they had. At this realization, Meredith blows a cork. In her angry and reactivity, her words re-traumatize the woman. She is banned for further contact with the two.
Dr. Grey takes the opportunity to reflect on her reaction. She has been told to stay away from the woman and daughter, with the threat of losing her internship if she does not follow this order. Eventually she realizes that she must make it right with the woman and stand up for the daughter. She does so, putting her career on the line. As the husband comes out of surgery, she steps forward to speak to the woman.
"I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier. I know I was out of line, and I know I can't possibly imagine what you've been through. But I also know this can not be your daughter's story~that she shot her dad 17 times to protect her mom and you went back to him. You have to change her story while you still have a chance, for both of you. For her, for your little girl. You have to change her story."
Dr. Meredith Grey encouraged the mom to change the impending story of the little girl.
Brain science tells us that we are shaped by 1) our DNA, and 2) our relationships. If this is true, here we find an invitation to consider the power we hold in the stories of others as well as the power others have to form our stories. The story of our life, of our experiences is reflected in the manner in which we live our lives.
We can all testify to the power of words, especially words in intimate relationships. Most of us can recount an incident where someone said something, either positive or negative, to us and can also recount the impact that it made on our lives. The question that compels me at this point is, how do my actions and words influence the future stories of those who are around me? Do they offer love and life? Do they move the person's story toward grace? Or, do I offer words and actions what while they make me feel good, or vindicated, etc, offer pain or wounds to the other? This is more than "simply" watching my words or my actions. This is being intentional about how I impact the story of another. There is power in caring for "one another." We can change the stories of others, by our actions and by our words.
Dr. Meredith Grey asked the woman to consider changing the story of her daughter. This is obvious from her words. However, Meredith also changed her own story by reflecting on her initial words and addressing the woman a second time. She also changed the woman's story by compelling her to change the story of the daughter. Meredith's story was wrapped up in the woman's story, which was wrapped up in the story of her daughter. The South African's have a word for this: 'ubuntu.' It is the concept of our stories being wrapped up in the stories of others.
Whether we get our life lessons through a fictional TV character, the research of Interpersonal Neurobiologists, or a cultural aspect of South Africa, we can see a familiar thread of the important of caring for one another. Is it any wonder that we are told to "love one another?"
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Excellent words Sen. Kennedy
".. we must respect the motives of those who exercise their right to disagree. We sorely test our ability to live together if we too readily question each other's integrity. It may be harder to restrain our feelings when moral issues are at stake - for they go to the deepest wellsprings of our being. But the more our feelings diverge, the more deeply held they are, the greater is our obligation to grant the sincerity and basic moral decency of our fellow citizens on the other side." Ted Kennedy, speaking at Liberty Baptist University (1983)
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
the impact of loving well
Today I will go to a funeral. I suspect that it will be more of a celebration, at least in the minds of many of the attenders. The gentleman who passed, was exactly that - a gentle man. I did not know him well nor long. But what I have experienced of who he is, and was, has been more in experiencing his impact on his family. This man was well loved. And, this man sure seemed to love well. The impact of this gentle man's life is evident in his family. His family loves well.
A good friend of mine has been blessed to marry into this family. Her husband, (son of the gentleman who passed) loves my friend well. Which, in turn makes my friend insanely happy. Which, in turn makes my husband and I (along with mobs of our friends) thrilled. We love that our friend is insanely happy. We love the way that her husband loves her well. (Which in turn invites us to totally love her husband.) My bet is that he learned that from his mom, his dad and his relationship with his creator.
So, the impact of one man loving his family well, has expanded to his children, to their spouses, and to their friends. That is only one spoke of the wheel. Imagine how many other people have been impacted by one man (or woman) loving well.
Oh that I would learn to love well....and long.
A good friend of mine has been blessed to marry into this family. Her husband, (son of the gentleman who passed) loves my friend well. Which, in turn makes my friend insanely happy. Which, in turn makes my husband and I (along with mobs of our friends) thrilled. We love that our friend is insanely happy. We love the way that her husband loves her well. (Which in turn invites us to totally love her husband.) My bet is that he learned that from his mom, his dad and his relationship with his creator.
So, the impact of one man loving his family well, has expanded to his children, to their spouses, and to their friends. That is only one spoke of the wheel. Imagine how many other people have been impacted by one man (or woman) loving well.
Oh that I would learn to love well....and long.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Harvest Report (so far)
Tomatos - there are tons, but taking a long time to ripen. May the salsa come soon!
Zukes/Summer Squash - freezer is getting full. That means zuke-bread in the winter~
Cukes - have buckets full
Swiss Chard - Anyone know what to do with this? It is new for us!
Peas - are long gone, but hoping for a fall harvest.
Beans - they keep on a coming...
Carrots - sadly the cats took care of most of them.
Onions - alittle small this year.
Spinach - hoping for more this fall.
Oregano - I think i will stop trying to control this. Maybe I will start an oregano farm...
Peppers - itty, bitty. This cool weather is just not a good mix with pepper farming.
Asparagus - harvested for 3 months this year! woot!
Apples - all are ripe and falling off the trees~ time for apple pie, apple sauce, apple crisp, apple pannekoekens...
Zukes/Summer Squash - freezer is getting full. That means zuke-bread in the winter~
Cukes - have buckets full
Swiss Chard - Anyone know what to do with this? It is new for us!
Peas - are long gone, but hoping for a fall harvest.
Beans - they keep on a coming...
Carrots - sadly the cats took care of most of them.
Onions - alittle small this year.
Spinach - hoping for more this fall.
Oregano - I think i will stop trying to control this. Maybe I will start an oregano farm...
Peppers - itty, bitty. This cool weather is just not a good mix with pepper farming.
Asparagus - harvested for 3 months this year! woot!
Apples - all are ripe and falling off the trees~ time for apple pie, apple sauce, apple crisp, apple pannekoekens...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
pictures, and something about a thousand words.
Recently I was involved in a rousing game of Pictionary. If you have not had a change to play, here are the basics. I have a word I need you to guess, so I draw a picture that (hopefully) will help you make the right guess. We get more points than the others and we win. You do not have to have good drawing skills in order to play, but you DO need to be able to give good clues in order for your team mate to guess correctly. Now I also believe it is helpful to think out of the box. (If you saw some of the pictures my sister drew, and the correct guess my mom made, you'd also believe that miracles are some how involved...but that is a different post.)
As we played, we came to an "all play" which means every team draws at once. All people who are those drawing look at the card, which contains the word and pass it to the next team. You (as the person guessing) can look at the other teams drawings to help you out, if you'd like. During an "all play" the guesses of the other teams can either help you (if they are on the right track) or hurt you (if they are far off the mark). The card was passed around, and those drawing made some interesting comments like, "how am I going to keep this clean?" (Which, really makes you wonder...) Now usually there is a thread of similarity that forms when everyone starts guessing during an "all play." I mean we all have the same word, right? During this round, that "thread of similarity" was simply not forming as one would expect. So, some of those guessing resorted to looking at the other drawings in hopes to find a helpful clue. The pictures included people embracing, a person in striped pjs, an angry face, and a big person with a small person. (no, for you smart alecks out there, the word was not "marriage...") Those of us guessing were more confused as the sands of time slipped away on the timer.
Here is the deal. While there was only one word for those drawing to read, each person had "read" a different word on the card. One had read "intimate", another "inmate," yet another "intimidate," while the actual word was "imitate."
No wonder we had trouble communicating.
After we picked ourselves up off the floor from laughter, I realized that while funny, this is totally the situation that we get ourselves into every day. And, sometimes those situations do not feel quite so funny.
When was the last time that you said something, and the person to whom you spoke took it completely differently than you had intended? Have you ever been so miffed at a person for what they did or said, yet, if you stepped back from the situation, you knew that they loved you, were "for" you, and had not intended to harm you? It seems like we are reading different words off the same card. You may say "you are intimate" yet I may hear "you "intimidate."
As humans, we have primary emotions and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the ones we may call "knee jerk reactions." They are the ones that are immediately apparent when something happens. You say/do something, and I might get mad/sad/happy/fearful. Secondary emotions are the next ones in the "experience" line. Perhaps the initial fear turns us to anger. Or the comment, invites initial sadness, turns into depression.
In the game of Pictionary, we found that when we weren't communicating like we'd intended to do, we needed to stop and figure out what was actually going on! We had to stop, ask questions, have a good laugh and move on to the next word. Obviously it isn't always so easy in relationships. However, we can take one of the concepts from the story and insert it into our relationships. Stop and ask questions.
First, we can stop and ask questions of the person who spoke the words that hurt/angered/etc us. "What did you mean?" "Please tell me more about what you mean." "Could you say that with different words?" Clarifying the situation can be helpful in lessening our anxiety. Most of the time, people are not intentionally trying to wound us. Yet, sometimes they unknowingly poke at bruises that we already have. This makes it seem to us, as if the wound is happening afresh, when it could be the result of something yet unhealed from our past.
Secondly, (and I believe most importantly) is for us to ask ourselves questions regarding our own response. "Why am I so mad/sad/etc?" "What caused this reaction?" Often times the reaction that we experience is not from today's incident, but rather because it poked something in us from our life experience that remains unhealed. Once we begin to understand our reactions, we can separate out what was said, or done and our response to the event. This can set us on the road to healing.
So, as in the example of Pictionary, perhaps we can start to ask questions. Ask those people in your circles to clarify what they mean by their words. Then, step back and choose how best to respond. Ask questions of yourself. "Why am I reacting in this way?" Is there something that remains unattended to, that if you addressed it, may offer new life? What are the clues that we see in ourselves and our relationships that may help us increase our ability to live in peace rather than in anxiety? Have you experienced this? If so, please share your thoughts in the comments!
As we played, we came to an "all play" which means every team draws at once. All people who are those drawing look at the card, which contains the word and pass it to the next team. You (as the person guessing) can look at the other teams drawings to help you out, if you'd like. During an "all play" the guesses of the other teams can either help you (if they are on the right track) or hurt you (if they are far off the mark). The card was passed around, and those drawing made some interesting comments like, "how am I going to keep this clean?" (Which, really makes you wonder...) Now usually there is a thread of similarity that forms when everyone starts guessing during an "all play." I mean we all have the same word, right? During this round, that "thread of similarity" was simply not forming as one would expect. So, some of those guessing resorted to looking at the other drawings in hopes to find a helpful clue. The pictures included people embracing, a person in striped pjs, an angry face, and a big person with a small person. (no, for you smart alecks out there, the word was not "marriage...") Those of us guessing were more confused as the sands of time slipped away on the timer.
Here is the deal. While there was only one word for those drawing to read, each person had "read" a different word on the card. One had read "intimate", another "inmate," yet another "intimidate," while the actual word was "imitate."
No wonder we had trouble communicating.
After we picked ourselves up off the floor from laughter, I realized that while funny, this is totally the situation that we get ourselves into every day. And, sometimes those situations do not feel quite so funny.
When was the last time that you said something, and the person to whom you spoke took it completely differently than you had intended? Have you ever been so miffed at a person for what they did or said, yet, if you stepped back from the situation, you knew that they loved you, were "for" you, and had not intended to harm you? It seems like we are reading different words off the same card. You may say "you are intimate" yet I may hear "you "intimidate."
As humans, we have primary emotions and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the ones we may call "knee jerk reactions." They are the ones that are immediately apparent when something happens. You say/do something, and I might get mad/sad/happy/fearful. Secondary emotions are the next ones in the "experience" line. Perhaps the initial fear turns us to anger. Or the comment, invites initial sadness, turns into depression.
In the game of Pictionary, we found that when we weren't communicating like we'd intended to do, we needed to stop and figure out what was actually going on! We had to stop, ask questions, have a good laugh and move on to the next word. Obviously it isn't always so easy in relationships. However, we can take one of the concepts from the story and insert it into our relationships. Stop and ask questions.
First, we can stop and ask questions of the person who spoke the words that hurt/angered/etc us. "What did you mean?" "Please tell me more about what you mean." "Could you say that with different words?" Clarifying the situation can be helpful in lessening our anxiety. Most of the time, people are not intentionally trying to wound us. Yet, sometimes they unknowingly poke at bruises that we already have. This makes it seem to us, as if the wound is happening afresh, when it could be the result of something yet unhealed from our past.
Secondly, (and I believe most importantly) is for us to ask ourselves questions regarding our own response. "Why am I so mad/sad/etc?" "What caused this reaction?" Often times the reaction that we experience is not from today's incident, but rather because it poked something in us from our life experience that remains unhealed. Once we begin to understand our reactions, we can separate out what was said, or done and our response to the event. This can set us on the road to healing.
So, as in the example of Pictionary, perhaps we can start to ask questions. Ask those people in your circles to clarify what they mean by their words. Then, step back and choose how best to respond. Ask questions of yourself. "Why am I reacting in this way?" Is there something that remains unattended to, that if you addressed it, may offer new life? What are the clues that we see in ourselves and our relationships that may help us increase our ability to live in peace rather than in anxiety? Have you experienced this? If so, please share your thoughts in the comments!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
plugging back in...
After 6 days in the gorgeous Smokies, and a couple of days sitting a lawn chair listening to rock and roll, I am now plugged back in. Expect a post soon~
Oh yes....who ate all the cookie dough that was in the frig???
Oh yes....who ate all the cookie dough that was in the frig???
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
off to the mountains
We are off technology and heading to the mountains. Please make your self at home. There is extra suntea in the frig. Help yourself. You may catch one of the neighbors relaxing on the porch with the dogs...see you mid month.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
amazing what dialogue can do.
Today I had lunch with a new colleague. We were brainstorming about the project on which we are working. As we waited for our food to come, we got to know one another alittle bit. Prior to this, we had only been in group meetings before, and hadn't gotten to a chance to know each other. As we chatted, we slowly moved into our brainstorming session. We noticed we were able to use the things we talked about early on in the conversation. as segways into our brainstorming. We also found that we were more at ease and more creative in our brainstorming because we had gotten to know each other in a small way.
I have been studying in the area of brain function and relationships. The technical term is "interpersonal neurobiology." It is amazing how our brain functions as we are in healthy relationships. In fact, researchers say that it is IN our relationships, that we have become who we are. We are impacted by the experiences of relationships in which we participate. According to research, it could be that my colleague and I were more at ease, and creative because we are learning to be in meaningful relationships with each other.
Here is my question for the day - imagine the relationships in which you participate. Which relationships have left on you positive, amazing qualities? Are there experiences in relationships that have left you with challenges? What might you find in meaningful relationship with others, than could assist you in the challenges you have encountered in past experiences? Please post your thoughts!
I have been studying in the area of brain function and relationships. The technical term is "interpersonal neurobiology." It is amazing how our brain functions as we are in healthy relationships. In fact, researchers say that it is IN our relationships, that we have become who we are. We are impacted by the experiences of relationships in which we participate. According to research, it could be that my colleague and I were more at ease, and creative because we are learning to be in meaningful relationships with each other.
Here is my question for the day - imagine the relationships in which you participate. Which relationships have left on you positive, amazing qualities? Are there experiences in relationships that have left you with challenges? What might you find in meaningful relationship with others, than could assist you in the challenges you have encountered in past experiences? Please post your thoughts!
Monday, July 20, 2009
the influence of an icon...
A few days ago an icon passed away, Walter Cronkite. I heard Brian Williams, of NBC make a comment about the impact of Cronkite. He talked about life during the time of Cronkite's reign. He spoke of a special time of "community," saying that it was comforting to know that everyone was listening to the same voice, rather than all of the voices we hear today. This is not a direct quote, it is mainly what I remember him saying. I was taken back by this comment. Really? Hearing one voice is better than hearing many? I found this comment bothersome on a couple of levels.
First of all, the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution states, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." As a news reporter one would think that Williams would understand the necessity of the "many voices."
Secondly, according to the comment, "community" apparently is when we all agree and are listening to the same voice vs the many? Really. If this is true, and we ought to be all listening to the same voice, then which one do we listen to? The easy answer is "God." However looking at the number of denominations and groups who all believe they are hearing "God," and looking at the number of differences that exist, all with people who are "listening to God," one can see that perhaps that answer isn't as easy as we think.
I find that many people believe that community is found when we hang out with people who are like us, people who "agree" with us. However, if those with whom we are in relationship are the ones who help us grow, and we all agree on "everything" where exactly is the growth? How does a community ever exist if all must agree? I believe that community is truly found in our differences. How about you? Do you believe that community (meaningful relationships) occur in our sameness or in our differences?
First of all, the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution states, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." As a news reporter one would think that Williams would understand the necessity of the "many voices."
Secondly, according to the comment, "community" apparently is when we all agree and are listening to the same voice vs the many? Really. If this is true, and we ought to be all listening to the same voice, then which one do we listen to? The easy answer is "God." However looking at the number of denominations and groups who all believe they are hearing "God," and looking at the number of differences that exist, all with people who are "listening to God," one can see that perhaps that answer isn't as easy as we think.
I find that many people believe that community is found when we hang out with people who are like us, people who "agree" with us. However, if those with whom we are in relationship are the ones who help us grow, and we all agree on "everything" where exactly is the growth? How does a community ever exist if all must agree? I believe that community is truly found in our differences. How about you? Do you believe that community (meaningful relationships) occur in our sameness or in our differences?
Thursday, July 16, 2009
"Come and play"
This morning I was going through a pile of things that had gathered on the table. I was looking for a bill that was coming due, so decided that while I was looking for it, I might as well toss most of what had gathered in the pile. I found a couple of brochures of a particular mountain resort area we plan to visit. This is what the brochure said:
"With the day's first steaming mug of fresh coffee in hand, you step out onto your deck and survey the endless ridges of mountain peaks rising over mist-filled valleys. The morning breeze dances through the pines and whispers, "Come and Play."
Now the irony of this was that I was sitting on my deck, with a steaming mug of coffee, staring up our of our valley, watching the sunrise. If I am fortunate enough to be home in the morning, this is where I spend my first hours. So, why was I going away to another state to do what I can do here at home? We are getting together with family from another state, so this is the main reason for the trip. However what got me thinking was this: while I do spend my mornings on the deck whenever possible, I rarely accept the invitation to "come and play" unless I leave town to do so. There is work calling around every corner of the property. I promised myself I would play this summer. I have done a little play, but I think I need to intentionally schedule in more - on a regular basis - not just during trips.
Play is good for the soul.
While the cabin brochure seemed to offer many things that we enjoy here (lucky us), there was one thing that the resort offered that I do need to look into...a "courteous and friendly staff." Just how DOES that work?
"With the day's first steaming mug of fresh coffee in hand, you step out onto your deck and survey the endless ridges of mountain peaks rising over mist-filled valleys. The morning breeze dances through the pines and whispers, "Come and Play."
Now the irony of this was that I was sitting on my deck, with a steaming mug of coffee, staring up our of our valley, watching the sunrise. If I am fortunate enough to be home in the morning, this is where I spend my first hours. So, why was I going away to another state to do what I can do here at home? We are getting together with family from another state, so this is the main reason for the trip. However what got me thinking was this: while I do spend my mornings on the deck whenever possible, I rarely accept the invitation to "come and play" unless I leave town to do so. There is work calling around every corner of the property. I promised myself I would play this summer. I have done a little play, but I think I need to intentionally schedule in more - on a regular basis - not just during trips.
Play is good for the soul.
While the cabin brochure seemed to offer many things that we enjoy here (lucky us), there was one thing that the resort offered that I do need to look into...a "courteous and friendly staff." Just how DOES that work?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sacredness on the golf course
This weekend we attended the PGA Championships. It was a brilliant day: in weather, golf and company. I can see where people find sacred time on a golf course. Birdies, bogeys, eagles and a few plops in the water, at the end of the day we had aching feet and happy spirits to take home as souvenirs.
At an event like this watching people is always a highlight. Golf's siren call beckons the name of all sorts of people and all sorts of people were in attendance. There was a particular group of people who caught my eye: the folks who love celebrity. Now granted, there were golfers who had been playing longer than many of us have been alive. How can you not notice, honor and admire people like Lee Trevino, Arnold Palmer and Chi Chi Rodriguez for what they have given to the game? What I noticed was more than honor or admiration.
I noticed people would stop in their tracks, stand and stare as players walked by. Some would reach out to touch, or give a holler to the player seemingly in order to make some sort of connection. At first, I thought it might be about celebrating the game, through connecting with the player. Later in the day I happened to end up about 5 feet away from one of our past state governors, (who was also a wrestler,) and noticed the same thing was happening to him. Some people took a double take, realizing whom they had just passed and kept on walking. Others hovered around him, attempting to get in the conversation. Sometimes, not a word was spoken, but rather it seemed they were just relishing in being close to this famous person.
Why do we find celebrity so enthralling? My daughter suggested perhaps we think celebrities are somehow more important than “other people” and by connecting with them in someway, it helps us get a better standing with our friends. I thought there was a lot of wisdom in that comment. Perhaps in being close to someone we deem “important,” helps us feel like we are also important.
Celebrities tend to be very visible. They are on TV, the big screen or on our IPOD. However, there are numerous people in the world that are invisible. We do not see them, and often times, if we are honest with ourselves, we do not even look for them. We walk past them, not making eye contact. Maybe we do not drive down a certain street, in a certain neighborhood, so as to avoid “those people.” Perhaps when we encounter those that are different from us, in a way that makes us feel uncomfortable we may even pass by them as they “lay at the side of the road.”
If we, as a society, love to be close to celebrity because it helps boost our perceived level of importance, what does that say when we make a choice to not be close to other groups of people? Why do we not engage with people who are different from us? What does it do to our “level of importance” to hang out with the folks who may be at a different economic level than us? Or, a different ethnic background? Maybe they express their faith in a way that is very different from ours.
So, what could happen if I made a more focused effort to look past the “other” in the crowd, and began to look to see who they really are, not just the outward package? I wonder what would happen if I stopped thinking about the things that divide me from others, and make a better effort to see people for who they are, not how they might impact my “level of importance?” What would happen if I concerned myself less about my “social status,” and more concerned about the people around me?
I agree, there surely is something of the sacred on a golf course….
At an event like this watching people is always a highlight. Golf's siren call beckons the name of all sorts of people and all sorts of people were in attendance. There was a particular group of people who caught my eye: the folks who love celebrity. Now granted, there were golfers who had been playing longer than many of us have been alive. How can you not notice, honor and admire people like Lee Trevino, Arnold Palmer and Chi Chi Rodriguez for what they have given to the game? What I noticed was more than honor or admiration.
I noticed people would stop in their tracks, stand and stare as players walked by. Some would reach out to touch, or give a holler to the player seemingly in order to make some sort of connection. At first, I thought it might be about celebrating the game, through connecting with the player. Later in the day I happened to end up about 5 feet away from one of our past state governors, (who was also a wrestler,) and noticed the same thing was happening to him. Some people took a double take, realizing whom they had just passed and kept on walking. Others hovered around him, attempting to get in the conversation. Sometimes, not a word was spoken, but rather it seemed they were just relishing in being close to this famous person.
Why do we find celebrity so enthralling? My daughter suggested perhaps we think celebrities are somehow more important than “other people” and by connecting with them in someway, it helps us get a better standing with our friends. I thought there was a lot of wisdom in that comment. Perhaps in being close to someone we deem “important,” helps us feel like we are also important.
Celebrities tend to be very visible. They are on TV, the big screen or on our IPOD. However, there are numerous people in the world that are invisible. We do not see them, and often times, if we are honest with ourselves, we do not even look for them. We walk past them, not making eye contact. Maybe we do not drive down a certain street, in a certain neighborhood, so as to avoid “those people.” Perhaps when we encounter those that are different from us, in a way that makes us feel uncomfortable we may even pass by them as they “lay at the side of the road.”
If we, as a society, love to be close to celebrity because it helps boost our perceived level of importance, what does that say when we make a choice to not be close to other groups of people? Why do we not engage with people who are different from us? What does it do to our “level of importance” to hang out with the folks who may be at a different economic level than us? Or, a different ethnic background? Maybe they express their faith in a way that is very different from ours.
So, what could happen if I made a more focused effort to look past the “other” in the crowd, and began to look to see who they really are, not just the outward package? I wonder what would happen if I stopped thinking about the things that divide me from others, and make a better effort to see people for who they are, not how they might impact my “level of importance?” What would happen if I concerned myself less about my “social status,” and more concerned about the people around me?
I agree, there surely is something of the sacred on a golf course….
Saturday, July 11, 2009
"Go Away"
Here is a little something from one of my favorite artists...
You can check more out at: http://alitat-thecatinthecardboardbox.blogspot.com/
Have a great day on the porch!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Summer softball - part 2
Minnesotans are known for “Minnesota nice,” which is a cultural trait that basically says, “always be nice…even if through gritted teeth.” Sitting in the stands, you could feel the tension in the air. The critical fan was having a wonderful time…the rest of the fans…well, not so much. Even less so, the players. Personally, I do not excel in the area of dealing with conflict. In fact, I usually would rather avoid it. However, I have learned that avoiding conflict does not make it go away. It simply gets shoved under a rug, so I can trip over it at a later time. I did not feel like I had a handy tool to stop this harassment, so I was thinking about how best to handle it. While I was thinking…one of the dad’s was doing. He made a kind and respectful comment questioning the reason for “being so tough on that player.” As it turns out, the critical fan was the older sister of the player. Both she and the mom shared about how lucky the player was to have a sister who would “tell her the truth.” It was evident to all, expect our critical fan, that a key factor had been forgotten, that was the inclusion of love.
How do we make the act of gracious living, of living out love, part of our lives? Do we shout encouragement to each other as we are “playing” the game of life? Author Joseph Bush states, ““Veracity (truth) can…be a matter of living true in relationship with one another and of being true in relationship to the story of our faith.” Does our story of faith impact how we might relate with others? Over the next few posts, I would like to explore what gracious living might look like in life and how our own faith story may impact how we are with each other.
The second part of the double header was a downward acceleration for the home team. Soon they were 8 runs behind. The team continued the errors, the critical fan continued the onslaught, although thankfully at a lower volume. Toward the end of the game, the fan gave up and went off to watch another game. Something interesting happened toward the end of this story. As soon as the fan left, the other fans seemed to sense the lack of tension. They returned to their encouragement of the players and the home team loaded the bases and scored two runs. While they did not score enough to win, it was a clear picture to those watching, the power of our words on others.
How do we make the act of gracious living, of living out love, part of our lives? Do we shout encouragement to each other as we are “playing” the game of life? Author Joseph Bush states, ““Veracity (truth) can…be a matter of living true in relationship with one another and of being true in relationship to the story of our faith.” Does our story of faith impact how we might relate with others? Over the next few posts, I would like to explore what gracious living might look like in life and how our own faith story may impact how we are with each other.
The second part of the double header was a downward acceleration for the home team. Soon they were 8 runs behind. The team continued the errors, the critical fan continued the onslaught, although thankfully at a lower volume. Toward the end of the game, the fan gave up and went off to watch another game. Something interesting happened toward the end of this story. As soon as the fan left, the other fans seemed to sense the lack of tension. They returned to their encouragement of the players and the home team loaded the bases and scored two runs. While they did not score enough to win, it was a clear picture to those watching, the power of our words on others.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Lessons from summer softball
Last night was a perfect summer night for softball. Beautiful blue sky, warm temperatures that cooled slightly as the sun went down. Local rival teams played a double header. One team (the visiting team) perennially loses to the other team, (the home team) however tonight was different. About half way through the first game, the home team was being out matched by the underdogs. Most likely not used to being on the losing side, the girl’s faces started to drop. The first game was tight, ending in a one run difference. Unable to shake off the errors, they simply could not get their groove back.
What I noticed last night, was less about what happened on the playing field and more about what was happening in the stands. Fans loaded both sides of the field, cheering and encouraging each player. About half way through the first game, there was a distinctly loud voice behind me. The fan was convinced that the home team was not doing enough and simply not trying. Perhaps some of this was true. After all this was one of their first losses of the year. They had obviously started to get down about the entire situation, not yet having learned the process of working through these sort of things. The fan began a tirade against the team, with special attention given to one player in particular, the catcher. The louder this fan grew, the quieter the rest of the fans became. She ranted about the inability of the catcher to play her position, and to get out of the slump. The louder the critic, the more errors occurred. The more errors, the more insults, and the more silence from the fans. The negative seemed to silence the positive... (more tomorrow)
What I noticed last night, was less about what happened on the playing field and more about what was happening in the stands. Fans loaded both sides of the field, cheering and encouraging each player. About half way through the first game, there was a distinctly loud voice behind me. The fan was convinced that the home team was not doing enough and simply not trying. Perhaps some of this was true. After all this was one of their first losses of the year. They had obviously started to get down about the entire situation, not yet having learned the process of working through these sort of things. The fan began a tirade against the team, with special attention given to one player in particular, the catcher. The louder this fan grew, the quieter the rest of the fans became. She ranted about the inability of the catcher to play her position, and to get out of the slump. The louder the critic, the more errors occurred. The more errors, the more insults, and the more silence from the fans. The negative seemed to silence the positive... (more tomorrow)
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