pictures, and something about a thousand words.

Recently I was involved in a rousing game of Pictionary. If you have not had a change to play, here are the basics. I have a word I need you to guess, so I draw a picture that (hopefully) will help you make the right guess. We get more points than the others and we win. You do not have to have good drawing skills in order to play, but you DO need to be able to give good clues in order for your team mate to guess correctly. Now I also believe it is helpful to think out of the box. (If you saw some of the pictures my sister drew, and the correct guess my mom made, you'd also believe that miracles are some how involved...but that is a different post.)

As we played, we came to an "all play" which means every team draws at once. All people who are those drawing look at the card, which contains the word and pass it to the next team. You (as the person guessing) can look at the other teams drawings to help you out, if you'd like. During an "all play" the guesses of the other teams can either help you (if they are on the right track) or hurt you (if they are far off the mark). The card was passed around, and those drawing made some interesting comments like, "how am I going to keep this clean?" (Which, really makes you wonder...) Now usually there is a thread of similarity that forms when everyone starts guessing during an "all play." I mean we all have the same word, right? During this round, that "thread of similarity" was simply not forming as one would expect. So, some of those guessing resorted to looking at the other drawings in hopes to find a helpful clue. The pictures included people embracing, a person in striped pjs, an angry face, and a big person with a small person. (no, for you smart alecks out there, the word was not "marriage...") Those of us guessing were more confused as the sands of time slipped away on the timer.

Here is the deal. While there was only one word for those drawing to read, each person had "read" a different word on the card. One had read "intimate", another "inmate," yet another "intimidate," while the actual word was "imitate."

No wonder we had trouble communicating.

After we picked ourselves up off the floor from laughter, I realized that while funny, this is totally the situation that we get ourselves into every day. And, sometimes those situations do not feel quite so funny.

When was the last time that you said something, and the person to whom you spoke took it completely differently than you had intended? Have you ever been so miffed at a person for what they did or said, yet, if you stepped back from the situation, you knew that they loved you, were "for" you, and had not intended to harm you? It seems like we are reading different words off the same card. You may say "you are intimate" yet I may hear "you "intimidate."

As humans, we have primary emotions and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the ones we may call "knee jerk reactions." They are the ones that are immediately apparent when something happens. You say/do something, and I might get mad/sad/happy/fearful. Secondary emotions are the next ones in the "experience" line. Perhaps the initial fear turns us to anger. Or the comment, invites initial sadness, turns into depression.

In the game of Pictionary, we found that when we weren't communicating like we'd intended to do, we needed to stop and figure out what was actually going on! We had to stop, ask questions, have a good laugh and move on to the next word. Obviously it isn't always so easy in relationships. However, we can take one of the concepts from the story and insert it into our relationships. Stop and ask questions.

First, we can stop and ask questions of the person who spoke the words that hurt/angered/etc us. "What did you mean?" "Please tell me more about what you mean." "Could you say that with different words?" Clarifying the situation can be helpful in lessening our anxiety. Most of the time, people are not intentionally trying to wound us. Yet, sometimes they unknowingly poke at bruises that we already have. This makes it seem to us, as if the wound is happening afresh, when it could be the result of something yet unhealed from our past.

Secondly, (and I believe most importantly) is for us to ask ourselves questions regarding our own response. "Why am I so mad/sad/etc?" "What caused this reaction?" Often times the reaction that we experience is not from today's incident, but rather because it poked something in us from our life experience that remains unhealed. Once we begin to understand our reactions, we can separate out what was said, or done and our response to the event. This can set us on the road to healing.

So, as in the example of Pictionary, perhaps we can start to ask questions. Ask those people in your circles to clarify what they mean by their words. Then, step back and choose how best to respond. Ask questions of yourself. "Why am I reacting in this way?" Is there something that remains unattended to, that if you addressed it, may offer new life? What are the clues that we see in ourselves and our relationships that may help us increase our ability to live in peace rather than in anxiety? Have you experienced this? If so, please share your thoughts in the comments!