Lessons from Last Place

This past year, I admitted to a close group of confidants that I am competitive. You know, sort of an AA type of admission. “Hi, I’m Andrea, and I’m competitive.” Most who know me would say something along the lines of, “duh.” While it might have mildly squeaked through in my actions, I have never felt at liberty to actually admit it, let alone to actual enjoy it. In my mind for me, it was always a very bad trait. Growing up, I learned from several that to be proud of your accomplishments was well…not good. In fact, it bordered on…well: evil. It was pride, and that was one of those “deadly sins.” (Cue: scary music) An example took place in high school. I had earned a spot on an All-Star team that represented the 5-state area – we were headed to a national competition, I was so excited. A religious leader gave me a note on my way into competition that said nothing more than; “the first shall be last and the last shall be first.” It was a nice bubble burst-er, to say the least. The meaning made by me was “don’t think you are anything great by being on this team. And, if you do, you will pay a price.” I remember nothing about the actual competition, but I still remember the words.

This weekend, I was with that close group of confidants, who are also very good athletes. (You know where this is going, don’t you?) We were up north, hiking, climbing around on rocks, some were running trails, others reading on the deck. We climbed several decent hills and the cliffs of Mother Superior. I came in dead last every time. Every time. It tore at my ego. As I was reflecting on why this bothered me so very much, something very cool happened. Someone waited on me. Then, another time, someone else waited on me. My ego hated the fact that they did, my ego was humiliated. However, my soul…well, my soul experienced an element of healing on that day. The healing came from something that I didn’t even know was in me. Somewhere along life, I had begun to believe that my worth was wrapped up in where I landed in the pack. Since it was “wrong” to end up first, I had accepted, (under internal duress,) that 2nd or 3rd place was fine. But being last just wasn’t okay, on any level. Until last weekend. I have spent the last year learning to embrace myself in its entirety. This weekend I learned that I can also embrace the part of me that can come in last place. Because where I land in the pack really has no impact on my value as a person, a friend, family member, colleague. It is just part of what makes me who I am.

A good friend re-defined competition as “having grit to make it through whatever comes.” I think I will hold that definition of competition instead of the old definition of youth. All in all, the weekend up north was marvelous. My new mantra is: “just because it was hard, doesn’t mean it wasn’t good.”